Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
