it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
It's blow job season.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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