Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
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