Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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