My sheets look like a crime scene.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
