It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I just had sex on a roof
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
