so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
