Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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