Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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