Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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