I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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