i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Let's paint friendship bongs
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
