please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
