On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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