Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
