I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
