ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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