I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
