We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
