i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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