My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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