my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Randomize
