I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
