You're earring is so big in my mouth
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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