You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
