oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
