I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
