you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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