the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
