Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
