Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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