Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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