I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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