What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
