He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
