Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
