i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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