Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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