You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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