i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
