i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
