My sheets look like a crime scene.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
