you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
