everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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