Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
