how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Well I just put wine in my tea
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
