____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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