Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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