i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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