i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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